July 20 to December 31 (2024)
To the woman I am becoming…
You are so worthy of love.
You do not have to be perfect all the time.
You are allowed to be vulnerable and if people cannot meet you there, then remember people can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves. Keep diving deeper anyway!
You do not need to have everything figured out.
Learn how to express yourself without words!
Don’t shy away from being seen.
I love you.
It is the last day of the year, but many cultures worldwide observe the Spring Equinox as the New Year. See here! This year, I decided to celebrate both and will be back in Hoi An for the equinox and use that as a prompt to check in again. But I am getting ahead of myself here…
When I returned to Chiang Mai from visiting my family in India on July 20th, I had very mixed emotions. On one hand, I was grateful for the chance to see them again and to reconnect. On the other hand, I was upset because I felt deficiencies in my emotional growth. The environment was draining me and I longed for my own space. I do understand that we are all carrying our traumas, but I do not think my immediate and extended family have taken time to heal.
I feel extremely privileged as I use the term “heal” or “doing the work” because witnessing their day-to-day life showed me that they were not in such a position. Modern life has exhausted people beyond their limits, and many are in survival mode. Therefore, even faith or religion, which offers the spirituality needed for self-reflection and accountability, takes on a different interpretation. They also become tools of survival and we tend to see superstitions and rituals come up as coping mechanisms. Almost as if people are putting up spiritual boundaries to avoid taking personal responsibility because they do not know how.
Don’t do this or this will happen.
Do this and this won’t happen.
Vice Versa and so on.
The occult is fascinating because it reveals a lot about the human psyche. I am not dismissing magic or trying to rationalize it. I believe in it but there are situations where I do question “why” or “how” it came to be. Reflecting on my mental state at the time, I think what actually upset me was not being in a position to help ease their struggle. I was frustrated at the lack of my capabilities. I do realize that as much as I care, I cannot do the work for them because it disempowers them from figuring it out themselves.
Nevertheless, these experiences enabled me to see “doing the work” from a different perspective. I also looked at my parents and understood that they’ve been in survival mode their entire adult lives trying to raise their children and figure out things I may never need to because they “did the work”.
It is a privilege to have the space to deeply reflect and feel our pain and even more so to have access to a therapist. This is how I continue “doing the work” so that if I ever have children, they are better adjusted to the world than I ever was. In the case I do not have children, then my efforts are concentrated on helping to heal the world. Nothing is ever wasted because energy flows regardless of seemingly dead ends.
Those 3 weeks in India set the tone for the events that followed as of July 20th:
· Getting an offer from X.Ai
· Signing three different contracts
· Trying to stay optimistic despite the ambiguity
· Navigating ambiguity
· Meeting someone who inspired me to start feeling again
· Trying to sit with those feelings for him that continued to expand
· Receiving feedback for a project I poured myself into
· Trying to find the creative energy to pursue another school project
· Dealing with the sadness of goodbye, reminding me why I was numb for 2 years
· Experiencing rejection
· Starting my job
· Having to decide if I wanted to continue complying with HR’s interpretations of the contract
· Experiencing more rejection
Stormy mornings in September. I was doing overnight shifts during training and experiencing life around me in the early hours. I strangely miss it…but never again please!
I think this entire period from July to October was an experiment or a cruel joke because honestly WTF?!?
Was it the ultimate test where I needed to learn the importance of letting go?
I can let go of how awful that job was and how every aspect of my professional life has been a mess for the last 15 years.
I can also let go of the aimless desires I had for that person because I was not ready.
But do not ask me to let go of the questions I have for him.
Questions that are composed of time instead of words.
Formed by simply existing in the same space as him but not having enough experience to understand my feelings better.
Shaped by remorse that is not mine, nor his, nor ours.
I find it ever so interesting that the two areas of my life, financial and romantic were deeply emphasized while living in Chiang Mai. I decided to settle here to heal, not be exposed to more trauma. However, I cannot say that any of it was traumatic even though the emotional impact feels that way. It is more like getting knots in your muscles kneaded during a massage and THAT pain is transformative. Anyone who has ever gotten a GOOD Thai massage will tell you.
I will tell you.
It is.
Maybe that is what adversity feels like. What a strange realization and could only occur from taking time to heal old wounds.
Is this what healing feels like?
The city opened up in ways I did not expect after he left in mid-August and I began to explore it more vigorously. It was hard to stay in my room experiencing his absence during the day, so I would sit at a coffee shop to work in the afternoons. It is strange to write about a person I barely know and credit him for reawakening something inside of me. But this is the truth and no matter how much I try to call myself insane, I cannot deny how I feel. I fear that I will never know why and I should start falling in love with these phenomena instead. Not everything needs an explanation and that is why I believe in magic and wishes.
Chiang Mai will forever remind me of the year when I took myself seriously enough to put my work and my heart out in the open. In my previous chapter on Chiang Mai, I discussed the ghosts I arrived with. Now, I am learning how to live with and understand them because they are mine. Knowing I can do this makes me feel empowered because I am taking accountability for the past even though I was not entirely responsible.
I recently learned they are reopening the Dhara Devi Hotel in June 2025… and I almost cried. I will be booking a night there as a birthday present to myself!
I have no idea what lies beyond this point but I know to have faith in the unknown.
Here is a quote I found on Instagram that perfectly expresses the feelings of this period and my resolve:
“You cannot miss what is meant for you. You cannot lose what is yours. Any road you take in an effort to avoid your destiny will inevitably turn into a preparation period—a growth concourse—through which you are forced to face what led you astray in the first place. In the same way that you cannot hide from what is yours to have, you also cannot run from what is yours to heal, to grow from, to grow into.
The things that are meant for us make us the people we are meant to be. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but eventually, all of the pieces will add up and bring you somewhere wonderful, or where you always wanted to be. You will be grateful that some things did not work out the way you once wanted them to. Everything that is meant for you is still waiting for you. Even if you have failed in the past, even if you feel so stuck you cannot imagine making it through one more day.
Even if you messed up every shot you were given, if you don’t believe in yourself, if you’re afraid, if you aren’t sure how things will work out, and even if nobody else would understand—you still contain within you the potential of all you ever wanted to be. It is never too late.”
At midnight I will follow the Colombian tradition (currently trending on social media) of eating 12 grapes and making a wish for each month of the year.
To summarize my intentions for 2025:
“I wish to be in better alignment with myself.”
Alignment essentially means to be better connected with and deeply know yourself. I have the habit of self-sabotaging and the “loss” accumulated are my lessons on how to do better. I guess I’ve had a lot to learn over the years. What I find especially important about Brianna’s quote is that we never miss lessons that are ours to learn. The path of avoidance inevitably leads us back to having to deal with it. It also helped put some things in perspective about the people in my life. Life is short when we view it in retrospect. However, it can also feel long when we do not know what comes next or when we have to face ourselves. I am not in a position to say that the people who needed to leave, missed me so they were not meant for me. I will not know the truth of it until my final moments. I am choosing to stop obsessing over the answers and just live in the questions.
Can I do that?
Is it a possibility?
;)
I love the following poem by Rumi because it teaches us that we are whole beings. Everything we need is within us but we fixate on temporary situations and assume they reflect reality. In short, we simply lack perspective. This is on par with my current ongoing studies in Indian philosophy. Speak about alignment! :)
According to the poem and the scriptures, we can achieve this perspective by being honest and clear about what we need or want from life. We need less ego and more vulnerability because our truest innermost self only reveals itself then. I will admit that I was not entirely honest with him because I had expectations but I did not know how to express them or if I even could. For example,
How do you explain to a person you JUST met that their very existence has answered a deep wish or longing within you?
That their presence calms you down in ways that you never thought possible because you’ve been psychotic your whole life?
How do you explain that the way they look at you makes you feel seen and you’ve never had your existence acknowledged in that way?
How do you explain that they don’t feel like a stranger even though you just met them?
I do not know how things will go if I ever meet him or someone like him again. It’s terrifying and for once in my life I have no desire to take control of a situation. Because I am choosing to live in the questions.
My only focus is being better aligned with myself. Maybe when the time comes, I will not be afraid to simply observe my emotions.
I pray.
Below is the poem and let’s end the year and post with this. I hope it provides some much-needed solace because I cried the first 30 times I watched and listened to it:
“Rays of the feathered sun
point to one who casts its heat in you;
all the mirrored forms
reflect the Light,
look how it beams in you!
Who receives this breath of life?
And who is it that breathes in you?
The path of letting go of “you”—
is the only path that leads to you.”