April Mid to Late
The theme that surfaced in this period was deconstruction as opposed to destruction.
K…now multiply this by 4.
The last 10 days or so have been HARD. I don’t know what happened, but the next thing I knew I was nursing horrible back pain due to my sciatica. Was it from kicking too hard in Muay Thai? Not taking enough breaks? Stress from writing my final papers? Administration stuff? Repressing my emotional needs?
I cannot say. Really.
Pain, as I have come to know and gain respect for, is informative and transformative. The physical part of me wanted to get up and return to training. The spiritual and emotional parts of me needed rest and contemplation.
They demanded a full stop or 3.
.
.
.
I have struggled for a good part of my life to overcome people’s perception of me. An oppressive panopticon so to speak. I feel the chains around my throat, wrists, and ankles whenever I find myself having to justify or over explain myself to be understood. The weight of the ball and chain increases every time I care enough.
So, I wonder if this freedom I dream of also comes from this desire to no longer have to fight to be appreciated or respected. I wonder if I am surrounding myself with people determined to misunderstand me, because then it’s not me, but who they are. I don’t say this with arrogance, but with a genuine desire to understand which battles are worth fighting. The issue is not the fighting because this is inevitable and almost a fact of life.
Imagine if I became the monster I am too often perceived to be. Would they feel justified in their assumptions? Like, “I told you so, she is so and so and so [insert every horrible thing that can be said about a person]”. I feel like a celebrity but without the glamor or the financial leverage to live in a gated community away from all these peasants.
Hahahahaha. I laughed way too hard at this. Especially considering the backlash many are receiving now for their privilege to not care about the world’s events.
If I keep contorting myself to where all I see is what was left behind, will I ever see what is in front of me? I know this is quite a simple concept, but for people who’ve experienced so much trauma, this is the only direction they can focus on.
I am leaving for Chiang Mai on May 3rd and while my visit in January was short, this time will be different because I will need to stay longer. Last year was hard because of the construction behind my apartment. It got so bad that I had a few nervous breakdowns and cried a lot. It brought back so much anxiety from 2022 when my parents had horrible tenants. So now in some ways, I see it as an opportunity to build on the past because I do not want that to be the only impression I am left with. It is not like I have a choice since I am still undergoing my Invisalign treatment and will need to extend it. Extending means waiting for new trays to come in.
This is a theme even in Hanoi because all of Asia is developing. From the construction to the excessive beeping of motorbikes and honking cars. From an environmental standpoint, I worry. Has the world entirely grasped the Western perspective of progress? Even in the global west, we are acknowledging that we may have messed up by not considering the natural environment. For so long we’ve had this narrative of man conquering nature, instead of man learning to coexist with it. This narrative has been a factor when planning our cities and with the rise of automobiles, concrete jungles over dirt ones, were inevitable. From doing my assignment last semester on ethnographic film, I learned about Shell greenwashing since the 1930s and running campaigns about exploring the English countryside or going OUT to see nature, which all required driving and that required fuel (Schultz, 2012). I was born into a world where this is what people did, “visit the countryside or natural parks”. I never questioned because this became so normal. So, when I captured the road being developed, I thought about what existed there before any of the roads were built. What did Hanoi look like once upon a time?
On a less dreary note, I will admit that the way people move through this city fascinates me. There is order in the chaos as drivers and pedestrians usually know what to expect from one another. It’s a dance that can only be understood once you are there moving through it. For instance, this video of the man crossing the street with his dog. The animal is moving without panic as the man cuts through the incoming traffic from both sides. I was so amazed when he started crossing that I immediately took out my phone to record. This is not the case in other parts of the city. Because of the crosswalk, I presume, there is some leniency.
I waited ages to cross, then when I finally did, I took this photo. It was around the time my back was starting to get better so I felt bold enough to walk to the lake to catch the sunset. I was in so much pain later.
The shot that was worth the pain.
Even in this very apartment, the neighbors have constant projects. Had I not read Born a Crime by Trevor Noah, I would not have understood the process of upgrading one’s home bit by bit as money became available. As annoying as it has been, I have been trying to put myself in their shoes to be understanding of the noise. What is a nuisance for me, is an opportunity to improve one’s life. I will be gone in a few days, but these folks are here for much longer.
I wish I had a different experience here or come at a better time. This is what I kept thinking since arriving in early February for the Tet holiday. The cold moist air and the constant nausea. The feeling of being “trapped” in my apartment and having no desire to walk around. Not having brought warm enough clothes and not willing to buy more appropriate ones. This entire experience brought flashbacks of my first winter in Karlsruhe (December 2018). I see now how it was my fault then too, for not having asked proper questions or simply checking the weather.
In hindsight, I still can’t say this was necessary. Muay Thai and the people I interacted with were my daily dose of face-to-face socialization. The weather was miserable, but that trip to Hoi An saved me, to be honest. I rode a bicycle for the first time in years and it is something I want to adopt in Chiang Mai. I wanted to do that last year, but I lacked confidence. This year, something has shifted within me. A desire to enjoy my life. A longing to know myself through the discomfort and to accept the solitude that comes with art or creating. Even studying is something that requires a lot of time alone.
Thank you Hanoi. Let’s meet at a later point.
